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Tuesday, November 17th, 2009
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the month of november. what an unpleasant sight.
i have spent much of my time gliding through class like a fork. i'm not meant to cut but i have the capabilities to. i'm much more useful for picking up trash. or green beans.
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Monday, October 19th, 2009
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is the world boring me now because i'm a drug addict, or because it's sunday night, i'm stuck in this bedroom alone, and people around me are all doing shots in paper rooms ten feet down the hall? is it boring because i am no longer young and anxious to get to know the tendencies people leave in the dark? because english has become a language i have no sympathy for? because there are no doctor who episodes left to watch?
i just found a new lease on life. i'm going to marry mos def.
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Sunday, October 4th, 2009
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its funny how i get the same feeling typing the name of this site as that of netflix, as though it has the same amount of amusement waiting for me.. a show to watch.
i want to transcribe what i wrote tonight, in the frida kahlo masterpieces book
i see a friend's band play -- songs long and sad and sweet. my friend plays the violin once the girl who asked me to marry her stopped singing in a slow mournful and socially inept phrases. a boy named...nick? plays the banjo. then i hear my old friends steve, tim, jason and logan play a set -- logan on the drums, tim on the bass, stephen on the guitar and jason on the keyboard. their set reminded me of cursive/the good life with a little conor oberst in there with the song writing. tim kasher (i mean steven poitier) sang vocals.
eh now im bored
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Sunday, September 27th, 2009
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this is great. the internet is great. thank you mayoclinic.com
People with classic schizotypal personalities are apt to be loners, having few to no intimate relationships. They exhibit extreme anxiety in social situations, often associated more with distrust and an inability to communicate with others than with a negative self-image. They view themselves as alien or outcast, and this isolation causes pain as they disengage more and more from relationships and the outside world.
People with schizotypal personalities often have odd patterns of speech and ramble endlessly on tangents to a topic of conversation. They may dress in peculiar ways and have very strange ways of viewing the world around them. Often they harbor unusual ideas, such as believing in the powers of ESP or a sixth sense. At times, they believe they can magically influence people's thoughts, actions and emotions.
In adolescence, signs of a schizotypal personality may begin as a gravitation toward solitary activities or a high level of social anxiety. The child may be an underperformer in school or appear socially out-of-step with peers, and as a result often becomes the subject of bullying or teasing.
Symptoms of schizotypal personality disorder include:
* Incorrect interpretation of events, including feeling that external events have personal meaning
* Peculiar thinking, beliefs or behavior
* Belief in special powers, such as telepathy
* Perceptual alterations, in some cases bodily illusions, including phantom pains or other distortions in the sense of touch
* Idiosyncratic speech, such as loose or vague patterns of speaking or tendency to go off on tangents
* Suspicious or paranoid ideas
* Flat emotions or inappropriate emotional responses
* Lack of close friends outside of the immediate family
* Persistent and excessive social anxiety that doesn't abate with time
Schizotypal personality disorder can easily be confused with schizophrenia, which is characterized by intense psychosis, a severe mental state characterized by a loss of contact with reality. While people with schizotypal personalities may experience brief psychotic episodes with delusions or hallucinations, they are not as pronounced, frequent or intense as in schizophrenia.
Another key distinction between schizotypal personality disorder and schizophrenia is that people with the personality disorder usually can distinguish between their distorted ideas and reality. Those with schizophrenia generally can't be swayed from their delusions.
Both disorders, along with schizoid personality disorder, belong to what's generally referred to as the schizophrenic spectrum. Schizotypal personality falls in the middle of the spectrum, with schizoid personality disorder on the milder end and schizophrenia on the more severe end.
When to see a doctor
Because personality tends to become entrenched as people age, it's best to seek treatment for a personality disorder as early as possible.
People with schizotypal personality are likely to seek help only at the urging of friends or relatives. If you suspect a friend or family member may have the disorder, be on the lookout for certain signs. You might gently suggest that the person seek medical attention, starting with a primary care physician or mental health provider.
okay. so does this mean that people who go against the grain and believe in something have a personality disorder?
i've been trying for a very long time to figure out why i am the way i am. i have long considered it a "problem" or "disorder," because that is the vocabulary i have been taught from my research. impairment, retardation, tendencies, pigeonhole pigeonhole pigeonhole.
did anyone ever think that maybe people don't trust each other because it's difficult to trust people? maybe because in a generation full of people born with headphones, social isolation is almost imminent?
"feeling that external events have personal meaning"
what is wrong with that? what does that even mean, that people give meaning to external events? how is that irregular? symbolism is a human tendency... right? arbitrary symbols have meaning because we as a whole give them meaning. personally, we feel that, and relate it to our own lives. how does that constitute a personality disorder? taking it to an extreme and assuming everyone is out to get you/does everything because of you? doesn't everyone think that to a certain extent? or ... am i schizotypal?
i can't handle this shit. i think it's poison. if psychology puts a label on everything, we will internalize it and begin to think we are inherently flawed, especially if the given the circumstances that surround us (say, if everyone dresses the same, talks the same, acts the same) are driving us insane.
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Friday, September 18th, 2009
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just woke up from a dream where my father died. my mother, brother and i were in the grocery store and i was fuming, grieving, and very upset. i asked my mom why she hadn't told my little brother yet, who was walking around like he didn't have a care in the world. she asked me do you think this is easy for me? and almost started crying. i looked at my little brother, then back at her, and simply said "you bitch."
later in the dream i was at a restaurant. i had been conferring with some detectives because there was something that was going on on campus that needed to be stopped. finally i found out it was cat doing it (or something, they thought it was cat), so i had agreed to have a meal with her (not rare, mind you). i was waiting for her to come (my chicago-alien dream sort of got interspersed in here: i'm in chicago during the end of the world and i have to ride a motorbike through the city with someone. the alien one ... i can't really remember but essentially they are up there, and we get scared) when i got to thinkin. she shows up and i try to tell her that they're coming for her, but it's too late, they take her away, and i cry. i tell the guy that she was my only friend at denison, and ask him why they had to do this. he tells me it was my fault.
another part of my dream took place in the woods. there were people being baptized all around us in the river we were following (this segment resembled our bike rides on the trail in reynoldsburg). my father and i were hiking. we ended up at someone's house for a cookout or something like that. this was much earlier in the dream.
i think i'm going to skip class today because this is making me cry.
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Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
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i don't think i'll ever be able to explain this world.
now they're broadcasting on t-shirts and to the right of my eye
these are things i've always tried to tell them
and now they're telling me
and i'm left here to die.
these rooms were all disgusting before i got here
and now the thin strip of paint's a different picture
but the kids are all still running out
wearing out their sneakers as they
laugh to the bar
underneath a million stars
master or mister degree?
is failing not an option?
can you fail the class you bought a new computer for?
it's one thing to be dumb
and i'm all for having fun
but can't you let us less fortunate
sleep a little?
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escuchar's journal